Redefining Marriage to Be About Love

Say, do you want to destroy traditional marriage? Sure, you say, but I can’t gay-marry, I’m already married to someone of a different gender, or hope to be some day. What can I do? I say you can do plenty! Here are some helpful strategies you can try in your own home, inferred from the talking points on an anti-same-sex-marriage pressure group’s web site. (I’m not going to link to them, but dollars to doughnuts you’ll be hearing their thoughts sometime soon. Gross.)

1. Don’t have kids.
Even delaying having children may be sufficient to destroy traditional marriage, since this is apparently the only reason you’d want to spend any length of time or emotional commitment on interacting with another adult.

2. If you already have kids, have a hobby or other adult interest in common with your spouse that doesn’t involve the children.
Try to spend a little bit of each week making it clear that you have a non-reproductive reason to live. Maybe go see an R rated film and then drink an alcoholic beverage while discussing topics that bore children.

3. Be a person of color who doesn’t hate.
For some reason, depriving someone of civil rights is totally OK if you heard one time that a black person had the same impulse. Now not being a complete dick is another delightfully easy way to destroy marriage!

4. Be a single dad.
Make it abundantly clear that you don’t need to have a religious contract with a god and a woman to take care of your own flesh and blood. Give your kid a bath, feed them breakfast, or just hang out together.

5. Be a dad.
You may not even need to be single to destroy marriage while driving the carpool van! Simply parenting of your own free will without any apparent pressure or threats proves that it’s possible!

6. Be a single mom.
Did you know that denying marriage to same-sex couples was so “women don’t get stuck with the enormous disadvantages of parenting alone”? If the reverse is true, your mere existence will make same-sex marriage happen!

7. Use gay love in your different-gender relationships.
The love between two people of the same gender is radically different from the love between two people of varied genders. Try using gay love for a day, a week, or even longer! Spice up your weekend! Alternate and see if your partner can tell which kind of love you are feeling for them at that moment!

8. Use gay-parent love on your kids.
Try feeling the kind of love a gay woman or man feels toward their child on your own offspring. Like Folger’s crystals, see if they notice! Go to a parent-teacher meeting or to the park while feeling the way a gay dad feels about his kids!

9. Bedroom fun.
Do something with your partner that doesn’t lead to procreation, if you catch my drift and I think you do. Anything other than Tab A into Slot B! This makes sure that no babies are born, ever, to anyone.

10. Alone time.
Bedroom fun on your own may lead to the end of all civilization, traditional marriage included! Disrupts space-time so that some people were never born in the first place.

11. Swap mom and dad roles.
It will either be a refreshing change of pace or exactly the damn same.

12. Both parents act like a mom or both act like a dad.
This will also probably be undetectable to the kids, but will destroy most traditional marriages within a 3 mile radius.

13. Make your roles in your marriage or partnership interchangeable.
Is there someone in your relationship who is always in charge, always has the last word and rules with an iron fist? I bet there isn’t! If you relate to your partner with love and respect and act as though you are both capable adults, you’ve been doing this one all along!

14. Spade-calling
A helpful tip from the introduction to the anti-gay talking points is the admission that using the phrase Ban Same Sex Marriage while they are trying to ban same sex marriage “causes us to lose about ten percentage points in polls.” So perhaps we can work that phrase into discussions of these legislatively-mediated slo-mo hate crimes as often as possible. Fun!