Here are the top five cover stories that alternative papers should avoid in order to prevent irate parents from complaining that the paper is in the library lobby where their six year old could see it, based on a true incident involving Seattle Weekly cover art that featured the words “Fuck School.”

Santa Claus: We Prove He Isn’t Real
Matches: Super Fun
Plastic Bags: the New Hip Toy
The Best Ways to Kick and Punch Friends and Family
Five-Second Rule? More Like Five Minutes!