Truth in Headlining

What I imagine the content is for the article headlined
The 9 Most Dangerous Health Foods
9. Yogurt, glass shards and fruit at the bottom
8. Tack-flavor energy bar (now with real tacks)
7. Lowfat weasel (live)
6. Lowfat weasel, rabid (live or cooked)
5. Low-sodium sawblade, radial
4. Explosive granola
3. Bottled arsenic water (all-natural)
2. Kale chips fried in motor oil (summer weight, cholesterol free)
1. Raw milk, now with added cholera